Clear and Present

                            

                    IMPROV WISDOM !

Excuse the exclamation point. But I've been waiting for this book for close to a year and it will finally be out on May 3rd. You can order it in advance at Amazon.

You'll see I've categorized this post under "Coaching"  That's because I think "Improv Wisdom" is a great coaching book - both to recommend to clients and to shift coaches in their thinking.  But this is also a book for everyone who wants to wake up to a life of meaning and unlimited possibility.

You can read the Rave Review from Publisher's Weekly here. 

Patricia Ryan Madson is a fascinating woman and a lot of fun! She's an eminent Professor of Drama at Stanford University; a brilliant writer, actress and the most Senior Instructor of Constructive Living in the United States.   

I'm fortunate enough to have been the recipient of her Improv Wisdom.  I use her maxims in my Coaching and my own life daily. They've helped me get more out of life and have made me a better Coach.  Whether she was explaining the finer points of Buddhist psychology, showing me the Japanese art of painting on silk or making granola - the Life lessons were similar.

Wanted. Good News.

This past week I had a difficult but uplifting experience. I served on a committee to award Leadership scholarships to worthy applicants to UCLA.  UCLA receives more applications for admission than any other University in the world.  The standards are extremely high.

Our committee sought to rewards those students who had shown service to their community; had a vision for their future and were likely to make a Leadership impact at University and well beyond.

We read through 41 written applications which included several essay questions. We learned a little about each applicant's family life.  Many of them had overcome tremendous challenges to carve out their success so far.  We had some applicants who had struggled with divorce, death, drug addiction, abuse and language difficulties in their homelives.  Yet they not only persevered and grew stronger from the adversity - they excelled because of it.

Top Ten Things to Build a Bridge and Get Over

God must love Top Ten lists because she made so many of them.  They crowd my Inbox daily.  They’re right up there in popularity with offers to refinance my house and stock up on Viagra. Top Nine Lists are few and far between and Top Eleven lists unheard of.  But for seem reason there seem to be ten nifty answers to pretty much any problem or life situation you can come up with.

In search of my own Top Ten favorites I had a hard time coming up with something that hadn’t already been worked over.  There seems to be a plethora of Top Ten lists designed to pump us up; increase our confidence and build self esteem. So I thought it would be nice to let some of the air out.  So here are my:

Top Ten Things to Build a Bridge and Get Over

1. Nobody knows why anybody does anything. Imagine the time this one will free up.  You don’t need to figure out what happened to Aunt Bertha as a child to make her so mean and crabby;  why your s.o. dumped you;  why your neighbor ignores you.  We humans are a product of our upbringing; environment, genetics and hormones. We do what we do when we do it.  Let it go. Don’t take it personally.

2. Nobody owes you a thing. When you think about all the time, love and attention it took to get where you are today you’ll see that you can never repay the debt.  Your mother and father who raised you; your teachers who pushed and believed in you; your friends who supported you; your community which nurtures you.  Question is – what have you given back in return?

3. You’ll be balanced when you’re dead.  Not a moment sooner.  Balance schmalanace.  We chase it like the Holy Grail.  What’s the big deal if you work too hard some weeks and goof off others?  If you’re passionate about something maybe you’d rather have more of it in your life.  Your kids won’t knock over a bank if you miss a few softball practices.  Exercise is overrated and TV’s not evil incarnate

4. Multi-tasking is an oxymoron.  Don’t be intimidated by colleagues who do five things at once.  Studies on “Attentional Blink” show that we don’t actually do more than one thing at a time.  We switch our attention rapidly between projects.  A one man band plays many instruments passably but none well.  Better to be a maestro than a journeyman.

5. You don’t deserve anything you have. See # 2.  Entitlement is a very unattractive quality.  No matter how hard you worked or how much you planned you were never in control of the outcome of your efforts.  God and luck and the support of others, along with your own hard work, played big parts.

6. You’re ordinary.  Relax it’s a compliment.  Ordinary people are reliable, industrious and consistent .  Superstars are a pain in the rear especially when they read their own press.  Who would you rather call at 2 AM when your car breaks down - Tony Robbins or your brother-in-law Al? Imagine the ride home.

7. You’re not a victim you’re a volunteer. (Unless we’re talking about a trainwreck or a typhoid epidemic).  The old saw about nobody being able to take advantage of you without your permission is true. If you don’t want something to happen in your life don’t set it up in the first place.

8. You’re right. Life isn’t fair. But it’s always interesting and instructive if you keep an open mind.

9. There is no meantime.  No place where time stands still and standards are lowered and second best is good enough. There’s only now.  What are you going to do now?

10. Gratefulness is second to Godliness. Cleanliness is waaay down the list. Get down on your knees and look at your life. Oh, the places you’ll go!

Awareness is Serious Business

Let’s talk about AwDD.  This is not the same as AD/HD.       

You may have Awareness Deficit Disorder – you just may not be aware of it.

Ever stand in your own living room; hold an item in your hand; put it down; turn to do something and then spend two hours looking for it.  Hands up those whose most memorable searches have stretched into days? 

How about those of you who live in large towns which have stores with big parking lots.  Ever spend an unproductive half hour wandering up and down rows of cars with heavy shopping bags in your arms trying hard to look nonchalant but feeling like an idiot?  How is it possible that you have absolutely no idea where your car is when you yourself parked and locked it and strolled away from it less than an hour ago?

The Donkey In The Well

Love this story.  It's great for clients who are discouraged.

A donkey fell into a deep well. The farmer knew he could never get the donkey out so he decided to fill in the well and the donkey.

He threw a shovel full of dirt down on to the donkey. The donkey shook off the dirt and stepped up.  The farmer tried again.  Once again, the donkey shook off the dirt and stepped up on top of it. The farmer was frustrated and called all his neighbors who came to pitch in.  Pretty soon there was a big crowd of men throwing shovel after shovel of dirt down into the well.  The donkey just kept shaking it off and stepping on up.

This went on all afternoon.

At the end of the day the donkey stepped on top of the last pile of dirt and walked out of the well back to his stable.

Shake off the negativity and frustrations and discouragements and use them to raise you up to your goal

            

       Ask Mr. Barker!

Dear Mr. Barker,

I'm 15 years old and my mom is driving me crazy!  She won't let me stay out later than 10:30 PM. Every body else gets to stay till midnight on the weekends.  I'm the only one who has to go home early. She won't let me go out with boys and I can't even sleep over at my girlfriends house.  I feel like I'm in prison. Everybody makes fun of me. I'm starting to hate her. How can I make her lighten up on me?

Signed. Need Time off for Good Behavior. Atlanta, Ga.

Dear Need Time,

It's not your mother's job to lighten up on you. It's her job to keep you safe and on the right track . I understand your wanting to do what the other kids do and how  embarrasssing and uncomfortable it is to be treated differently.

But - your friends will take their cue from you. If you're ashamed of your mom's rules they'll pick up on that and tease you.  If you shrug off your mom's restrictions with a so-what attitude you take away the possibility of your "friends" being able to hurt you.

Myself, I love to eat crunchies in the park. Crunchies are bones and pieces of meat that fall on the ground near the barbecue grills. Pickin's are especially good on Monday morning after a sunny weekend.  I know they're not good for me (they've way exceeded the 5 second rule by time I get to them) but I still go for them.

I have a difference of opinion with "she who must be obeyed" on the subject of crunchies. If she sees me going for them she'll get all bent out of shape and start yanking my chain. Literally. It's hard to see a whole pack of my buddies scarfing this stuff down while I have to stroll by like nothings happening. But that's exactly what I do. I know there's love behind her decision.  And, on some level, I know that it's better for me to just keep walking. So I accept the fact that I can't always have what I want; nor do I necessarily know what's good for me - especially when my feelings get in the way.

Your mom will lighten up in time. I'm willing to bet that one day you'll get a kid of your own and you'll understand exactly what's in your mothers heart today.

Peace and Blessings.

Mr. Barker

Ask Mr. Barker!

Dear Mr. Barker,

I have a real close girlfriend who broke up with her fiance three months ago.  She calls almost every night.  She drops by on the weekend unannounced and she's always asking what I'm doing and then invites herself along.  I want to be there for her as a friend but my boyfriend is getting fed up.  He said he's sick of her.  I feel torn.  What can I do to make her see she's driving me crazy!  I don't want to hurt her.

Tired of listening. Pasadena,Ca.

Dear Tired,

I hear you, sister. This is a boundary issue. Boundaries are funny things. They're invisible except to the people who make them.  If you don't tell someone where your boundary is and they step over - it's not their fault. For example. My boundary is the front gate.  Anyone can walk by there on the street.  But when someone puts their hand on the gate they're infringing on my personal space without my permission.  When I let them know this they usually don' t do it a second time. I always recommend clear, concise communication as to what is acceptable and what is not.   I am confident that you will find a way to communicate this, with love, to your friend.  For me - growling works just fine.  You may want to take a different tack.  Sometimes you have to put yourself, and the health and wellbeing of your loved ones, first. Not a thing in the world wrong with that.

Peace and blessings,

Mr. Barker

Why do I meditate in the kitchen?

Because that's where the timer is.

There's nothing worse than being jolted from a blissful state by a high-pitched buzzer.  For a second I don't know where I am and I don't know whether to answer the door or check the spuds in the oven.

I found a great resource for us lone meditators - MyZendo.com.  Great little website with pre-programmed meditations. Everything from 15 minute quickies to 90 minute long hauls with spaced walking meditations. You simply click on the button you want.  You get about 10 seconds to settle into position then you hear three gentle resonating bells - just like the ones at your favorite Zen Center.  One final bell at the end.  That's it. No muzak, no commercials, no spam in your inbox. Just a pure, useful service.